Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
