i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
