So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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