nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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