awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
