just come out here and I will go home with you...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
