Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
