if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
