I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
