Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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