Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
