Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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