My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you made out with another girl for some wings
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
