the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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