I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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