just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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