Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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