why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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