I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
