Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize