Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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