my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
