What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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