Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's the barista slut.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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