You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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