I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
