I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
