I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I currently don't understand fingers.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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