defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
