I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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