that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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