i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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