I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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