There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
