My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
