well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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