last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
4 words: hood of his car
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
