Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
