Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize