Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
