Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
