I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
