He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
