but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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