capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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