When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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