She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
