Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
