Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
