It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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