Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
