That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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