I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
