I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
