how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
