taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
