He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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