and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
