soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
nutella sex= disaster
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
