you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
