new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
