11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize