I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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