Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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